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Ep.125 | Rachel Llanes | Romantic Intelligence and Its Impact on Your Performance

Your relationship has a bigger impact on your performance than you think.

You can have all the training and preparation you need to have a great game, meeting, practice, or day, but if your relationship is off…

You can’t be ON your best game.

So, how can we enhance and protect our closest relationships so we can excel in what we do?

I lean in to that question and more with relationship and behavior change expert, Rachel Llanes, on today’s episode of the Coming Up Clutch with J.R.™ show.

This is one of the most powerful and practical interviews I’ve done this year. It’s an absolute must listen if you’re in a relationship or plan to be in one for the long haul. I wish I would’ve had this wisdom before I got married!

In this latest episode, Rachel and I talk about…

  • What’s romantic intelligence and its impact on your performance
  • The four steps we must take to resolve relational conflicts effectively and peacefully 
  • Rachel’s recommendation for how to be more present in your relationship

…and so much more.

If you want your relationships to add more peace, power, and performance to your life and career, then lock in to today’s episode.

[00:01 – 12:16] Introducing Rachel to the show

  • Rachel’s most embarrassing moment
  • Rachel’s background, story and professional journey

[12:17 – 18:39] Relationships and their effect on performance

  • Relationships are at the pinnacle of natural performance enhancers 
  • Dr. Barbara Fredrickson’s research: positive emotions (e.g. love, joy, amusement, etc.) have an impact on creativity, innovation, problem-solving, and performance (they have a medicinal impact on the body on a cellular level that allow us to bounce back from stressful events!)
  • When our relationships are solid and sound, we’re able to achieve mastery over our craft and think outside the box and grow in ways we never saw before
  • Happy people are successful. Not the other way around.

[18:40 – 24:11] What’s romantic intelligence and its impact on your performance

  • Nothing will test you, bring out your brokenness, and expose your flaws like your romantic partner
  • Romantic intelligence requires you to be self-aware and know what you want and expect from your partner. Ask: what do I expect from myself? Then, what do I expect from my partner?
  • Some of us have unrealistic, untamed expectations because we grew up watching Disney movies
  • Regarding love languages – Rachel’s example: Her love language = words of affirmation; husband’s love language = physical touch. If she uses words of affirmation to love her husband, she’s putting the wrong fuel in his love tank.
    • Romantic intelligence is understanding that, in part, we give the love we crave (which, in a way, is very ego-driven).
    • Whenever Rachel defaults to loving her husband with HER love language, it’s a trigger for her to communicate with his. She encourages us to do the same.
  • Romantic intelligence is about understanding the love you crave the most, understanding the love your partner craves the most, putting the right fuel in THEIR love tank, and coaching them on how to put the right fuel in YOUR love tank

[24:12 – 25:42] The 3 “I’s” of Intimacy (from Rachel’s book, Lucky in Love)

  • Romantically intelligent people are very clear in their communication of what they want, need, and feel…
    • I want
    • I need
    • I feel 
  • A mastery of self is required to master a marriage

[25:43 – 40:47] Four steps we must take to resolve relational conflicts effectively and peacefully

  • If you fight right, you strengthen your relationship
  • Rachel’s H.E.A.L. Model for conflict resolution
    • H – do your HOMEWORK (i.e. prepare yourself and the facts for the conversation)
      • Facts (specific, measurable, and observable) are the most persuasive and the least offensive – if you anchor your argument to facts, you don’t need to use force
      • This is where our blindspots are (“our blindspots live in our beliefs”)…it challenges our brain to collect the FACTS
    • E – EXPRESS the FACTS and your FEELINGS about them
      • Regarding getting defensive – the moment your emotions escalate is the moment the issue gets put on the backburner (and you deal with the relationship)
      • Your issue is Priority #2. Your relationship is Priority #1.
    • A – ASK your partner for their perspective, and then ASK for a reasonable change
    • L – LIFT the positive outcomes you anticipate will happen if they agree to what you ask for in the ASK step above.
      • This plugs into your partner’s intrinsic motivation (and more likely will put the issue to bed for good)

[40:48 – 47:40] Rachel’s recommendation for how to be more present in your relationship

  • Every couple needs to find their own system for communicating things
  • Leverage a focal point (e.g. Rachel’s = picture of family in office)
  • Develop a discipline of doing LESS (e.g. Rachel – when she’s driving, she’s just driving…not listening to music, podcasts, etc.). Tip: Ask, “Am I uni-tasking?”

[47:41 – 52:34] Wrapping Up

  • Rachel’s BIG domino
  • How to connect with Rachel

KEY QUOTES

“Relationships are at the pinnacle of natural performance enhancers.” – Rachel Llanes

“Happy people are successful. Not the other way around.” – Rachel Llanes 

“Stop putting the wrong fuel in your partner’s love tank.” – Rachel Llanes

“A mastery of self is required to master a marriage.” – Rachel Llanes

“If you anchor your argument to facts, you don’t need to use force.” – Rachel Llanes

“Our blindspots live in our beliefs.” – Rachel Llanes

“Motivation is the soil that discipline grows out of.” – Rachel Llanes

CONNECT WITH RACHEL

CONNECT WITH J.R.

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DISCLAIMER: These results are not typical. However, our typical client and student that implements our strategies generally increases their performance in most areas of their life and career. You may experience different results depending on the effort you put in, as well as your own personality and background. Bottom line, if you don’t go all in on the process, you don’t get the results you deserve.
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